HELP!!! I’m 27-yrs old, 5-Year-Courtship. No Talks About Marriage. To Leave Or Not To Leave Him?

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Hello Tolu, I am in a dilemma and I need your advice. There is this guy I have been dating for 5 years. When we started dating, things were nice and beautiful and we both had fun. At the onset of our relationship, we never discussed getting married and I never asked him about it. But then I was younger. Oh by the way I am 27 years old now. We met when I was 22 years. So as I was saying, he didn’t discuss marriage at the onset which was OK with me. About 2 years ago (3 years into our relationship), I started bringing up marriage since he refused to even brush the subject. In response, he either jokes about it or tells me I worry too much and that in due time we will discuss it. He keeps procrastinating. Tolu, I know I’m not getting any younger plus I’m getting tired of his procrastination. I’m thinking of leaving him but the problem is that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I leave him, how do I start all over again? What if I don’t find another man?  

I got this in my e-mail ….Here is my response to her.

Hello ………, thank you for reaching out to me. Greatly appreciated for sharing your personal story and privileged to be giving you advice. Now down to your questions. I think five years is a long time to be in a dating relationship.  I personally do not believe in long-term relationships. Sometimes things happen that you can’t help and one can find oneself in this type of situation for a long time. But when there is no specific tangible reason why a relationship has to be extended in such a manner, I think it is unhealthy, dangerous and too risky especially for the woman. I wish you the best. Thanks Tolusworld

So I’m answering this in a blog post so you can understand my reasoning…..

5 reasons why long-term courtship is risky for women

He’s wasting your Biological clock time- A decent courtship in my opinion should not be longer than 2 years, when it drags, maybe 3 years, period. As soon as it’s getting to 4th, 5th year, sweetheart you need to start asking questions and please don’t be shy about it or don’t let any guy make you feel you are desperate. Mtchew…..desperate……gosh, that makes me upset. The question to ask yourself as a woman is this, why are we in a relationship? To get to know each other right? So am I that complicated that it is taking 5 years to get to know me? Here is the fact…as women, nature has been “fair” to us when it gave us biological clocks. Unlike men whose biology hardly changes throughout their life time, we do not have that luxury. Ours tick and it ticks fast so much so that if you do not do some specific things at certain times, your life sequence can be thrown off and once this happens, sweetheart it is almost impossible to get it back. So think about that when staying in a lukewarm static long-term relationship. And the sad story is if it doesn’t work out, you would have lost years that you can never, ever regain. 

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No guarantee that he will marry you- Haven’t you seen or heard of men in long term relationships and after 5-6 years they give flimsy excuse and say things like ‘eemm…. It’s not you, it’s me…..you are too good for me, you are a nice girl but I think I’m not good enough for you….ladida dida dida…..they give a cock and bull story and at the end of the day, the girl is dumped and suddenly she wonders, what just happened? How did she get here? Sounds familiar right? Honey if you think it can’t happen to you, then please think twice. Of course there are few exceptions to the rule when men have tangible reasons not to propose, like financial state, education etc. These are understandable. My point is this, why do you want to gamble. Don’t leave your life to fate. If it doesn’t work out after so many years, you stand a higher chance of losing.

Long term relationship kills your chance with other suitors- Because you are in a relationship, suitors won’t come your way. No one likes to step on other people’s toes. Decent, responsible men don’t scope women in relationships.

Breeds low self-esteem, lack of confidence etc– If a lady remains in a static lukewarm long-term courtship, she can begin to think something is wrong with her and that she is not good enough that is why the guy is not proposing. As soon as this sets in, low self-esteem starts playing its way into her life. She begins to live in doubt and fear.

A woman begins to compromise on important values- This is a little tied into low self-esteem. The longer a woman stays in a lukewarm static relationship, the higher the chance for the man to take her for granted. What happens is this, when a woman is in this type of relationship and she begins to feel time is running out on her she might begin to think her principles are too strict and as a result bend her rules. Rules that 3, 4 years before, she wouldn’t have compromised. Especially women in their thirties.

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Disclaimer- Please note, not all long-term relationships end up like this. I have seen some that end up in marriage. My point is this, why leave your life to fate? If you are in a static lukewarm relationship, my advice is this, call the guy, discuss with him. Ask questions. Men don’t like to be confronted on issues like this. I beg of you, please don’t let that bother you. This is your life we are talking about here, not theirs. What is the point of a 2,3,4,…..Ha! 5-year relationship if it does not end in marriage.

Fear keeps a lot of women grounded in unhealthy relationships. I think I should address that in another blog post “How to deal with fear” or how to deal with fear of starting all over again. Like this lady here, she is scared of starting all over again. I will also address that in another post.

I will be writing on stages of relationship soon. Don’t forget to p-l-e-a-s-e leave your comment, thoughts questions and ideas below. I always love to read and answer questions.

Looking to share your experience? You can touch change a life or impact on positively with your story. You can send your questions and your stories in an email and I will answer in a blog post. Don’t worry, I won’t disclose your name ……I promise 😉  . tolusworld@gmail.com

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