4 years of my life I gave to this relationship. My emotions, my time, my resources. Now he says he’s not interested in me anymore. OMGoodness! Where do I start from? Where do I go from here? What do I do? How do I go into another relationship without making the same mistake again? Lord I am confused….
The story of the jilted woman above can be compared to Mr Simmons who was relieved of duty after investing many years in his company. When he was first hired, both the company and Mr Simmons were extremely happy at their new-found love and relationship. Both wanted to impress each other. Mr Simmons puts in his best as a new employee while the company ensured that he settled well into his new role. One year rolled into 2 years, into 3 and now it is 6 years of life and sweat investment. Suddenly, the company decides it needed to do some restructuring and Mr Simmons amongst other employees will be affected. He will be relieved of his duty. He is perplexed. He asks himself, ‘How did I get here? What just happened? How do I begin applying for another job again?
The beauty of a company laying off workers is that they train the workers on how to navigate their way in the job market but when an employee is fired, no training is provided. The employee is left to fend for his/herself.
A heartbroken lady’s story is a blend of Mr Simmons’ story and a fired employee’s. On one side, she is like Mr Simmons who invested many years and was later relieved of duty. On the other hand she is like the fired employee who was unexpectedly relieved of duty and placed on a rudderless single and searching ship for which her sailing destination is unknown. No support, no GPS.
The question to ask is this…..how do women like these move on? How do they begin dating again? This might sound easy to some but after being in a relationship for so long, you tend to lose some fine dating skills. People like this need to re-train themselves…..just like Mr Simmons will have to retrain himself on how to ace a job interview.
Below are tips that will help you get back on your feet and get back in the dating game;
First and foremost, please know you have been hurt and healing needs to take place. Healing takes time so please do not put yourself into unnecessary rush otherwise you will go into the next relationship with wrong, negative emotions. In addition, you might use the next guy as a rebound because you are not healed completely.
This is a stage you have to go through. You just lost a long-term relationship. Even if it was for a year, the point is this, you gave your emotions and resources to him during this period. We are not wired to just switch emotions like that. Except the whole relationship thing was just a facade. So allow yourself pass through this stage. Don’t stay too long in the stage though. I don’t like to put time limit to heart related matters but honestly 1 month is ok for this stage. During this phase, here is what you have to do;
Know that he is not coming back– the earlier you get back in the single and searching dating game, the faster it is for you to get over him and start your own life. Last week I wrote on the dangers of staying in a long-term relationship. If you are caught in a long-term relationship web that is not promising and the brother helps you by truncating it, honey be thankful and move on.
Manage your emotions appropriately. I know, you have been hurt, a lot of women have gone that road before but they all survived it. If they can do it, your situation is not peculiar to you. What goes through your mind at this time is very crucial. How you see men now is very important. It may affect your choice of a good/bad guy. Just because a guy messed up does not mean all men are like that. Your relationship with the said guy might be wrong timing because timing place a huge role whether relationship leads to marriage or not. The guy might not have been financially or psychologically ready to take the relationship to the next level. Don’t use his misbehaviour as a yardstick for other good men coming along.
Assess what went wrong- Self-assessment could be very challenging especially when you know you didn’t look very well before leaping. Nevertheless, it is imperative that you assess and find out what went wrong. Was the fault yours? What did you do wrong or right? Did he let you know in multiple ways that the relationship wasn’t going to work but you ignored all the signs? Was it your fault or maybe the guy was just being a jerk? You need to ask yourself these questions. Please note that the reason for doing this is not for you to reprimand yourself or beat yourself down to pieces. The reason is to learn from your mistakes. Once you identify them, it’s now time to move on.
I believe the duration for this stage depends a lot on personality and how we handle life matters. Some people are very practical and can move on very fast, others are pretty emotional. If you fall under the umbrella of the emotional ones, you want to be careful not to stay too long here. It is dangerous and time-wasting. For the practical ones, there is also danger of moving on too quickly. Please be careful.
MOVING ON STAGE
Don’t date immediately- When you begin to feel comfortable with Ex not being there anymore, it is time for you to rediscover yourself. If you just came out of a very long relationship, I strongly suggest this. We all change with time. You are not any different. You need to re-discover your likes and dislikes “as a woman”, your individuality, your personality. What you are passionate about, what irritates you, what you can and cannot condone etc. You get the gist right? This will help you when it is time to date again. Remember, you go into a relationship to get to know if a guy is suitable for marriage or not. How can you know the right guy when you yourself don’t even know who or what you are? Don’t lay a weak foundation for yourself.
Strategically position yourself- I once wrote on how to strategically position yourself to find the ideal man. Read this article here. It will give you insight on how to strategically position yourself.
Make new friends- You and your Ex probably have a lot of friends in common and hang out in the same place. You have to try to make new friends. Find new hangouts. You need the fresh air. New environment, new faces, new ideas, new people around you, new hobbies etc.
Remember, your goal should be to deal with your emotions fast, rediscover yourself and then position yourself both psychologically and physically so that the one who will love you for you may find you. I wish you all the best 🙂
Don’t forget to leave your comments, thoughts, questions and ideas below. I always look forward to reading from you.
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