So you are finally going out with that handsome, cute and tall guy that you’ve been eyeing for a while. But wait a second…..don’t you need to know some fundamentals about being in a relationship. You tell yourself……dating is dating. He asks me out, I assess him, my friends assess him 😉 and if he’s ok, I agree and we begin dating…….Is this how you decide on whom to date? (It’s been a while for me so please pardon me 🙂 )…..Or, did he really ask you out, like in really-really asked you out?………..WAIT!!!
You need to stop and ask yourself some fundamentals and basic questions…..Yes questions.
So here are some basic rules that can guide you in your love life.
Know why you are doing what you are doing. This should be applied before you go into the relationship. What exactly are you looking for in the relationship? Why should you agree to be in a relationship with him? Be honest about your answer. When you start a journey in life, you should have an idea where the road should lead you or else you will easily lose your way because the path was not defined from the beginning……which brings me to the second rule.
Never be in an undefined relationship- This is for the lady who doesn’t understand whether she is or is not in a relationship with a guy. I learned this rule when I was in my late twenties and it really helped me to get rid of some “ecto-parasitic guys” in my life. We women could be very gullible at times, some of us are like….oh he is so sweet, he is so nice, he is so caring …….. and yet he has not mentioned anything to you about going “steady” (I hope this is what it is called now 🙂 ). The guy becomes very evasive about his wants.
There are 2 types of guys like this………
- You know that guy that keeps hanging around you? On valentine day, he is there, on Christmas day, you are the first person he calls. On your birthday, he spends 2 hours talking to you on the phone (yet he didn’t give you gift o)….and you keep hoping and hoping he will ask you out
- This second one is even more dangerous. He acts like your boyfriend. Expects you to jump at his beck and call. Expects you to call him, mind you he hardly calls. He expects you to be accountable to him. And when you eventually summon up the courage to ask him who you are to him or where the relationship is going, he throws the question back at you “what do you think”? Everything you ask him, he answers with “what do you think”? He becomes evasive.
My advice, DEBUG him from your life and ASAP too (like my daughter says, As-Speedy-As-Possible). Such guys are just time wasters and emotion wreckers. They make you look ineligible to the decent, respectful and proper husband material that may come along.
Know his values, dreams, beliefs and goals (VDBG) in life. This is actually one of the most important aspect of a long lasting relationship. It is one of things I call “RED FLAGS” (I will blog relationship/dating/courship red flags someday). If your dreams, goals, belief, values in life are different, the relationship will not work. Do people that have different VDBG get married? Absolutely. Let me tell you why. After being married for a while, I can tell you that God designed marriage to have only one head, the man. A wife is supposed to take the front passenger’s seat (though a great husband will give you the wheels a lot of times because he trusts you). Applying this to VDGB in courtship, if you end up marrying someone with different VDBG, you will be living someone else’s dreams since he has the wheels. Someone else’s values will be imposed on you and you might end up abhorring all the negative emotions and feelings (suppression, oppression, depression and the likes). Women who try to impose their VDBG forcefully on their husbands end up having serious marriage issues or worse end up divorced.
- Oh….and please my dear don’t think you can change him. Big mistake….Leave that to God!
Ambiguity/Trust- Ever since you’ve known this guy, has there been any occasion that you think his behavior or action towards a particular situation was a little awkward and ambiguous? Be very honest with yourself and don’t try to explain every situation away. Do you think you can trust him completely? Like in…..COMPLETELY? Is there anything grey about his life that you just wish you knew better? If yes, then you need to clarify with him. If he explains then great! If not, you need to re-think your decision about being in a relationship with him.
Think about these few points. There are still so much more which I will continue to bring to you.
I leave you with this quote……
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Tolusworld Profile- Tolu Dairo MD. MSc. A Life Coach (Motivational/Relationship/Parenting) and writer who uses her passion for career/self-development, positive parenting and healthy relationships to inspire people to live their dreams.