A couple agrees for the woman to slow down the pursuit of her dreams so the man can pursue his. The woman slows down her pursuit and supports her husband to achieve his dreams. Once he completes his, the woman is supposed to go back to grad. school. So, he completed his as planned and you know what happened? He vehemently refused for the woman to even start her graduate course giving all cock and bull story about how the children need her. Trying to make the woman feel guilty for wanting to go back to school. Oh, there is another tactic some men use. They will allow the woman to start the degree but make the environment and condition extremely difficult for her to do it. Haba! HA-BA! Hey! 🙁 See life. I have seen this over and over and over again and it is painful and pitiful.
Ok, so this hubby is really, really selfish. But then wait a minute, before you go crucifying your husband, have you checked your own ways to see if you have been selfish in your relationship? Not to excuse what he did, you can’t tell me that even you haven’t for once (just once) thought about yourself and only yourself. I’m sure you have, unless you want to say you are so perfect.
I am no psychologist but one thing I know is that selfishness involves words like self-centered, self-focused, SELF, SELF, SELF. It involves thinking of one’s self without anyone else in the picture. As long as they get what they want, they don’t really care. I once read that selfishness is a sign of weakness on the part of the selfish person. It is putting one’s desires and wants above others at all times even at the expense of those that truly need it.
Relating this to Marriage
A selfish husband or wife did not just become like that overnight. Mostly, this is a spill over of attitude from single life. When they get married, it becomes difficult for them to change their ways and attitude. I will like to point out that some spouses change their selfless attitude to self-focused (not selfish) as a result of their experience with their spouse who has been selfish on multiple occasions towards them. These are not the type I refer to here.
**Singles- Watch out for that selfish attitude while dating**
Dealing with selfishness in marriage
Discussion and Communication: In a ‘normal’ relationship, where both parties are level headed reasonable people and are both in tune with each other, listen to each other, communicate with each other and are both looking for the relationship to work, communication should always be the first approach to resolving any issue in marriage. One should never assume that the other party is aware or conscious of his/her act. Remember assumption is the termite of relationships. They eat up the relationship little by little and if not controlled, there won’ be much of a relationship anymore.
Die to Self- If you examine yourself and know deep within you that you occasionally act selfish in your marriage, please and please work on your ways and make changes. Use this list to do a self-check. Dying to self is thinking of other people while making your decisions and it you even put their needs first.
I believe strongly in the power of communication and dying to self so please endeavour to try plan A and be patient to see it come to fruition. Now if plan A does not work, then you can move to plan B.
My dear “Iyawo olele” (sweet wife) Stop being an Enabler- Now “mi lady” if you are married to a selfish man, I know you love your hubby and would want to show it every way you can but please sometimes it is not good or should I say not advisable to show it at “ALL COST”. All cost mean you become permissive to some actions of his that you know deep down will hurt you or be at your detriment. Permissive behaviours breeds selfishness.
Be Assertive- Like our dear brother in the story above, I would seriously advise the woman to let her opinion known on her education and career (gently but firmly though).
Play it safe- Honestly, I hesitated a little before adding this one because in a normal marriage, I always preach that your guards should be let down because this promotes intimacy and closeness. But realistically, I have seen and counselled couples where one of the parties let his/her guard down just for the other to take advantage. So, to play it safe, hold on to your dreams and pursue it.
If all the above do not work (which happens a lot of times) I will seriously advise on counselling. Such relationships need outside professional trusted help.
So, what do you think? Have you done something in the past that helped you to deal with your selfish spouse and it ended happily ever after? Please share your experience with us on Tolusworld. I love to learn new things.
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Tolusworld Profile- Tolu Dairo MD. MSc. A Life Coach (Motivational/Relationship/Parenting) and writer who uses her passion for career/self-development, positive parenting and healthy relationships to inspire people to live their dreams.