Shockers I Got in my Early Years of Marriage……….Few Lessons Learned!!!

The happiness that radiates from newly married couples on their wedding day is always palpable by every wedding guest. But yet the statistics of divorced couples is quite alarming. I am currently reading Gary Chapman’s book “Things I wish I’d Known Before We Got Married”. I will encourage you to read it. It states fifty percent of couples that get married end up divorced and that no one dreams of getting married so that they can later divorce. Surprisingly, these divorces often occur in the early years of marriage. So the question is, what went wrong with that couple that seem to be so happy and peaceful with each other on their wedding day? It is the SHOCKERS!!!!! Yep….early marriage shockers. A lot of people get these shockers and misinterpret them as falling out of love. If you are one of these, no my dear…..you are not. You are just going through what Gary Chapman calls the “The second stage of love” where reality sets in and work begins.

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Going into marriage, like any newly married couple, I desired success. In fact I was determined to make it work which was what really helped me. For some reason, I thought successful marriage was my inheritance. As a single lady then, I used to think once I find myself a professional, responsible, decent Christian man, I was good to go. Little did I know that finding a decent, responsible Christian man was just a quarter of the puzzle solved. The remaining three quarter actually depends on how my husband and I worked together as a team. Of course I heard some teachings from older couples about being patient, how as a woman, I have to learn to submit and respect and the man has to love……you know……all those teachings that we were all told. I thought the way I felt at the beginning will last me my entire married life. Little did I know………. 🙁

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These are some of the few things I got to know in my early years of marriage………learn from them and move past them 🙂

Shocker #1. The tingles don’t last- This was my first shocker. When you meet the person “of your dreams”, you know that tingly warm, bubbly feelings you get anytime you see him/her? Ha! 🙂 I can tell you, they don’t last past few years of marriage. If you are the lovey-dovey type and things are so beautiful, may be it will take 2 years, maximum 3 years. But beyond these, reality sets in and the not so important things that were not considered important before becomes very important. Things like she never makes her side of the bed when she wakes up or he drops his plate in the sink all the time and expects me to clean up after him……you know…..little little things like that.

Shocker #2- You have to re-create the tingles for your marriage to stay alive- Saying I love you to Dokun comes so naturally in every conversation now that anyone listening to us converse will think we were born to speak like that. Nope! We worked our way to that level. After a while in marriage, I realized that staying in love requires constant intentional effort. Yes……constant intentional effort. We realized that we needed to make time out to spend with each other unlike before when we it came so naturally. This does not mean we don’t love each other anymore. It’s just that so many other important aspects of life now compete for your attention. When I counsel young couples and I suggest that they create time to spend together, some of them are like “who has time for that”? With taking care of the baby, building my career etc.” This is true (honestly, I said the same thing the first few years of marriage) but believe me, it is that time spent together that will make you stronger so you can pass through those tough times. When you begin to feel flat in your marriage, this is the time to buckle your shoes and tighten your belt because this is when the work starts. It means now you have to be intentional about loving your spouse. You have to be intentional about spending time together, about dinning out together, going to the movies together etc.
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Shocker #3- That I needed to put thoughts and plan into every minute detail of marriage- The big issues were easy for me. Topics like finance, having children, career etc. Those were easy to know that I had to plan but when it comes to how you are allowed to argue or mode of dispute settlement, I didn’t know I needed to discuss this with my spouse.

Things I am allowed to say or not say during arguments. What? Or that you have to discuss the issue of intimacy after childbirth. Remember my write-up on the Men/Women needs vs wants in marriage? If you haven’t read it, please do.

In the first few years of marriage, you are bound to see differences and changes in your spouse. You are bound to feel different about your spouse. You are bound to see your spouse differently. These are natural occurrences of an early marriage. Does this mean you don’t love your spouse anymore or does it mean you are falling out of love, No. and you know why, because love is not a feeling. What sustains marriage is not a feeling. It is commitment to make it work that holds and sustains a marriage.

Share with me in the reply/comment box below what surprised you in your early years of marriage?

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Tolusworld Profile- Tolu Dairo MD. MSc.  A motivational speaker and writer who uses her passion for career/self-development, positive parenting and healthy relationships to inspire women to live their dreams.

Contact: Email: tolusworld@gmail.com

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27 thoughts on “Shockers I Got in my Early Years of Marriage……….Few Lessons Learned!!!

  1. Hello Ma, I would like to comment but I don’t want to be judged. Please can I send you a private message? There’s no counsellor for me to open up to. Thank you

    • Hello, in Tolusworld, no woman may be judged. No one is a master player or planner on life matters so please do not think you will be judged. Also, next time you post a comment, do not write your name so can you remain anonymous. Please note that your comment, my response and the discussion it may bring may help someone else in your situation. You can reach me on tolusworld@gmail.com

  2. Hi. I enjoyed reading this. It is what I already know really, that love is a decision. The first tingly feeling will pass and then you have to make the decision to continue loving. What I want to know is what if one of the couple reached the 2nd stage while still dating before marriage and he thinks he is no longer in love and wants to break up but finding it really difficult letting go of the babe? What can the babe do or the two of them? Thanks ma.

    • In courtship, there are some basic questions that need to be answered individually by the parties involved before going into courtship and during. These are questions that a woman or man must ask themselves prior to going into engagement. Questions like vision, purpose, spirituality, understanding personality, likes, dislikes etc. That is why it is called courtship. Once the parties have checked mostly the fundamental questions off, and they now experience a plato in their relationship, both need to seek counseling from a matured christian couple especially if both have already made their intentions known that they will be getting married. For the man to be reluctant to leave the relationship, it’s either he is feeling guilty about the whole thing (which occurs a lot especially if both have invested years into the courtship) or he is still harboring some tinny winy emotions for the lady. Either way, counseling will be a great forum to unravel all this. I hope this has been helpful. I wish you all the best and please let me know how it goes. 🙂

  3. I can say how i landed on this blog but i can’t really say what an abstract feeling made me to stay glued.
    This post is nice and information, it does really deserve my beautiful share

  4. Hi tolu. Good to see your blog. I enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately, mine did not work out because was not interested in making it work. Thank you for the marriage counselling class i attended in church. you and pastor Jide were awesome. il apply these tips in my future relationship.

    • Hi Kiky! Wow! So sorry to hear your marriage did not work out. There is very little one can do when the other party throws in the towel, except pray and reach out to trusted and respected counselors for assistance. It takes two to tango. I wish you all the best life has to offer you….. 🙂

  5. Very succinct and exhaustive analysis. Methinks however that C.S.M. Cerebro Spinal Meningitis is usually the culprit that is responsible for most marital issues.
    CSM here means Communication Sex and Money.
    Get that right and almost always, other things do fall into place. IJS. lol.
    Enjoyed your piece, please keep it up!
    Sam Oyelude.
    Best regards to your husband and the gals.

  6. Dear Tolu, i’ve identified the ‘Cerebro-spinal-meningitis (CSM) of ALL marriages!
    Communication,Sex and Money.
    Invariably, these three factors are primarily responsible for the success or ultimate and irrevocable failure of most marriages.
    I certainly enjoyed your piece, its loaded with an indepth analysis of the subject matter.
    Keep it up and loving regards to your husband and beautiful dughters.
    Sam Oyelude.

    • I like that….CSM of marriage. Cerebro-spinal-meningitis of marriage. I should use that as a blog post title some day….very catchy. I like the order in which you put it. Communication is the bedrock of a healthy marriage. After this comes sex (especially to the men ;-)….I know women are not big on this), then lastly is money.

  7. you are so correct!! effective communication also helps when such happens, husbands should work hand in hand with their wives to make it work and revive that bond especially after the kids come.
    keep up the good work, alot of people don’t keep it real for others to learn from. e-hugs

    • I agree with you. And thanks for the comments…Effective communication is the bedrock of a healthy marriage. One of these days, I plan on tackling the building blocks of marriage. I will discuss communication and its importance under this. E-hugs….. 🙂

  8. I love your pieces – simple yet so deep. You have a talent and a good heart – thanks for sharing.

  9. It’s shocked me to know that my husband isn’t that angel I thought he was, he doesn’t love too many people around him while I love to see my people around me, he doesn’t respect people’s feelings and finally he talks at the peak of his voice which I hate.

    • So sorry to hear this. I’m suspecting you are in your early years of marriage. Believe me all married couples went through this phase. I’m sure if we ask our hubbies on what shockers they got early in marriage, the list will be endless 🙂 . Does he like reading? Or do you guys spend quiet time together?