To continue Desola’s story….. She contacted me a year later which was 2 weeks ago. At this point, she told me she had broken the relationship. She shared with me hard core relationship lessons. I was surprised at some of the steps she took while she was in the relationship. She even shared some things that she did wrong as a woman and is currently working on to rectify them. Please read them and learn from her.
Here are Desola’s Relationship lessons
Life Lessons I learnt in a very hard way from my past relationship.
“Lesson 1. Listen to your inner mind and ensure you have total peace or rest of mind in any relationship you are into. I saw this coming right from the time I journeyed into the relationship from the beginning, I do not have this internal peace and joy within me but I attributed that to the “devil” that he does not want me to get married on time.
Tolusworld- Learn to know how to differentiate between God’s intention for you and
Lesson 2. Never you as a young lady, establish, purchase any property or invest huge capital with your fiancé before your marriage is consummated. Hmmm, it is always the belief of young people that “after all we are getting married soonest”. Please note that there is a BIG gap between a day that ends a courtship and the following day of the wedding. In my past relationship, I had invested all my life and when we began to have issues and quarrels my “bobo” used to say this statement to me “you are the one that would lose” meaning he understands the fact that I am seriously putting all efforts to make the relationship work, therefore, my loyalty was taken for desperation.
Lesson 3. Never take or keep any of your belongings for any reason in your “would-be” house until the day you have been declared married by the court / church (if you are planning doing just a court/church wedding) or until he had come to pay your bride price (for Naija babes) because you might cheapen yourself through this means if you do. This was one of my very silly mistakes. I was working with a bank in Nigeria, when we met in a city where we both resided. To God be the glory, I got another better and well paid job in another city, so with the permission for some elders, I was asked to move some of my belongings to his place ( apartment) since our wedding was fast approaching and I would not be needing those items in my new location.
Tolusworld- Never listen to any elder that tells you to move into a man’s house before you are legally joined together. It is morally and scripyurally wrong.
Lesson 4. Pay close attention to how his family relates with one another, study the way his parents relate with themselves in marriage and if possible, also study the marriages of every member of his family (if possible) before you go ahead to say I do. This is because, the way the parents treat each other in marriage would determine the way you will be treated also.
Lesson 5. Do not be carried away by the august reception showered on you anytime you go visiting to his family. It is important you study the way they treat other guests in the family also, because this would determine the way you will be treated when you are finally married into the family.
Tolusworld- So true……
Lesson 6. As a Christian, do not stop praying. The power of prayer cannot be under estimated during the period of Courtship. J ……., “who knows, probably this was an answer to my prayers. I’m fond of praying this prayer right from when I was in secondary school “oh Lord, I want to have the best of marriage in life, therefore I will enjoy marriage and will not endure marriage.” am saying this, because towards the tail end of our courtship (pls. note wedding date already fixed) I began to see more of some very funny characters from my fiancé which were questioning and unbecoming of a man. Such as anger over very little things, use of abusive languages at very slightest provocation, stinginess’ etc. Although, I had known few of them before, but I was thinking I could change him.
Lesson 7. Study yourself and learn to do away from those things and characters that you feel might hamper the success of your relationship and marriage. Hmm, very funny, now it’s time for me to address myself. After I had broken up from my relationship, I had to sit back to examine myself, where exactly I had missed it again, what are those things I was doing wrong and guess what….. I was able to discover some of those things I did wrong and am seriously working on myself not to repeat them again in another relationship.
Lesson 8. Be careful of the people you meet for advice during your courtship, because some of them might mislead you or give you wrong advice. Let me share briefly my experience, at some point in my relationship when we began having issues…… I approached a pastor who knew us both well concerning our challenge, after we had both said our own part of the story on the issue at hand, the only statement that the pastor would say is “okay tell each other sorry” and that would be all. Probably, if he (pastor) had scolded us both then, on where each of us was getting it wrong and advised us as appropriate may be I would not have gone this far into the relationship. But I thank God J ………. “Every disappointment is a blessing”. Secondly, I remembered the very first time when my bobo was having sexual urge and he demanded a kiss from me……. At that instance I denied him because I was scared of getting pregnant before marriage and I promised myself that I will never have any sexual intimacy with my fiancé until our wedding nite. He was embittered that day and insisted that I do not love him. Worried over this, I decided to approach a leader in my church with this challenge…….he responded that of course I should kiss him passionately when next he demanded for it. I yielded to the advice because I want to keep my man and relationship safe lol…. Sure I had kissed him severally but trust me……. It did not go beyond that. I am not saying mentorship is bad nor pastors are worst……… but we are all humans and we have to be very careful on who mentors whom………
Lesson 9. Never think you can use SEX to keep a man in courtship in other to be married to him. At a point in my Courtship, I felt the urge to have sex and see what it feels like before marriage. I remember my bobo, then would say to me “let’s do it now so that it would not be too painful on our wedding nite”. I can’t just explain where I got this rugged determination of “no marriage no sex”. Probably by now I should have being carrying an unwanted pregnancy (God forbid)
Lesson 10. Are you a single…… be calm, singleness is not a disease. This is what had come to realise within the shortest time. Am 28 this year, a young Lecturer and a doctoral student in one of the Nigerian universities. I had always felt that age was not on my side any more, as I used to believe that when a lady is approaching 30, she might not be able to find a very good suitor…..lol. more also, I believe you have a clear picture of the kind of pressure that would be coming from home (especially from mum) family relatives and friends, that when a lady is well read and also having a good job, she would not attract a good man because they will all be running away from her. (Naija mentality)
Let me stop here…… so I don’t bore you with more of my experiences and lessons.”
Desola, we at Tolusworld really wish you all the best. We hope you find the man that will truly make you happy.
So what do you think of Desola’s lessons and actions? Are you surprised? Let me know in the comment below. 🙂
Next week I will be sharing another true life experience of someone who is a sickle cell carrier and is a little confused on what to do. This particular story is still ongoing…….
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