Sweet wife “iyawo olele”, ….. this is for you….. 🙂 ….After being married for many years, there are things I have learned not to do or say to my spouse because I have been burned over and over again from saying or doing them. There are others I picked from marriage seminars or conferences. Others I got from counseling couples and also from speaking with friends. These are issues that can act as pebbles to the success of a marriage. It is good to know these things because they could be romance killers or major turnoffs for husbands and if they continue, they can cause serious conflict in marriage. I once read a book just before marriage “wife 101”….. you should get it. It highlights quite a number of these.
Don’t continually reinforce what he cannot do, it destroys his hopes and bruises his ego– There are quite a number of things men are “supposed” to know how to do but unfortunately life is not like that …… (I put “supposed” in quote because not all men can do all the things we think they should know how to do”). The same goes for women, so much is expected of us but not all women know how to do everything they are supposed to do. If you know honestly that he has tried and does not know how to perform the task at hand, please and please do not keep reminding him of his inadequacies. It bruises his ego and destroys his hopes and the ego of a man is something you don’t want to joke with. He will find it hard to even do other things he used to do for you.
When making decisions about the family, make sure you include him- Gosh! This has happened to me over and over and over again and I have been burned from it and learned…..BIG TIME!!! You all know I have big dreams and big ideas…….and I am passionate in following through. So this spills into my relationship as well. There are times I will unilaterally decide on an issue….God help me…..most of the time I don’t do them intentionally. I don’t even realize it…..You should see the frown on Dr D’s face when I tell him of my actions, ideas or thoughts…..he goes….. “I don’t remember us discussing that” and I’m like…..really?….. squeezing my face like a little child caught doing something she was not supposed to be doing and he answers affirmatively…… “REALLY”!!! So my point is this, if you don’t want raised eyebrows from your hubby, involve him in all decision pertaining to your marriage. Another issue is that it might give a wrong impression that you are running things by yourself and we both know that marriage is 2 people becoming 1………and if you are like me, be intentional about your actions. Watch it!
Be suspicious and distrusting of him- This is a serious marriage killer. Note that I said killer, not a pebble. Serious! Serious! Serious! A marriage without trust is like a phone without service. All you can do is play games. It is also compared with a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want but it won’t go anywhere…..period. Trust is a big issue in marriage. Topic for another day.
When he makes mistakes, don’t say “I told you so” or “you should have listened to me”: A lot of people (not just wives) enjoy the “I told you so” phrase especially after advising the other party otherwise. Same goes for marriage. One thing I know from personal experience is that I don’t like being told “I told you so”…….It’s bad enough that I didn’t take the advice offered and things went wrong as a result and now I also have to deal with “I told you so”? Common……So when the reverse is the case, I tend to put myself in his shoes and just let it go. Trust me he knows already that he messed up. He doesn’t need to hear it again…..and again…..and again from you. The situation already speaks for itself.
Do not compare him with your previous boyfriend/s, father or his friends- This is just outrightly wrong and it happens a lot in newlyweds. It is a serious turn off and it is so unhealthy. Remember, you are not married to all the above stated people. You are married to Mr so and so…..okay? When I see couples speak or act in a manner that shows they are comparing their spouse to other people, I sometimes think they are silently wishing that was their husband or wife. My suggestion is this, when you see an attribute or like an attribute in another man, and you think it can benefit you and your marriage, it is good to speak to your husband about it. When discussing, please don’t speak from the perspective of comparison …. For example……”Oh can’t you see how Mr John treats his wife?……he opens the car door for her always ( 🙂 ), this is a wrong approach. It is better to discuss it without mentioning people’s names. Discuss it in a civil way…..something like this….. “sweetie (or whatever you call you hubby), I will like it if you treated me this way or that way”.
Take note of all these things….. I will continue to bring you more….and more….and more 🙂 . Join me next week Monday for another edition of Iyawo-Olele.
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